It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Randomize
