Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
