spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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