I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
