brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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