You smell like a Billy Joel song
I haven't been this sober since birth.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
