so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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