sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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