I was born with a shot glass in my hand
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
