Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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