so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Just invented taco cereal.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
