I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
