Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We're too hungover to prance.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
