Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
