Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
