i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
