woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
