found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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