i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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