You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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