oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
