The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
