He disabled his match.com account in front of me
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
