he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
be right there i have to get my cape
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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