wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
My bed smells like the plague
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
