You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Randomize
