my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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