masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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