New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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