why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
