If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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