why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
