apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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