I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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