dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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