I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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