I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
