Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
