It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
