life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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