Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
