Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
