What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
