I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
