I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
