none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
