Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
