I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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