I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
