No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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